Stepping Back

It's a humbling experience to separate from someone you love. It forces you to take a breath and re-evaluate what you do and who you are. It can get really scary if you struggle with a very basic question about your own existence. "Why?"

If you can't answer that question then all of a sudden everything becomes very dark and empty. There are two options at this point I believe. You either look for something to fill you up or you kill yourself.

Wow this blog got dark really quick.

Option A can be anything. There are a myriad of choices one can make both healthy and unhealthy. Option B...

As odd as it may sound coming from me, I've chosen to seek for meaning and release from a religion. I had always been interested in meditation and Buddhism as it seemed to be a very nonviolent way to conduct yourself in life, so I began to investigate it. I've found that it speaks to me in a very real way and it seems to offer a real hope for a release from the suffering that is the world.

The problem is, as with many religions, reading about it in a book and then extracting a life routine can be extremely difficult. How do I control and acknowledge my emotions without feeling them, but experiencing them in their fullest all at the same time? How do I relinquish control over everything around me and not subvert to fatalism in the end? What exactly is suffering in Buddhist eyes and how does enlightenment truly free me from egoistic pain?

I've joined a Buddhist group at the Unitarian church here and I've found it encouraging to be with other people who may be able to guide me in their ways. It will also be a great tool for helping me meditate, something that I have a lot of trouble with now. It's a very difficult concept for a man raised in Western Society to accept and embrace boredom.

Still, despite all the questions and struggles, its been a good Option A for me. Certainly the most positive I could come up with.