Can You Hear Me Now?

So I was reminiscing today about the Verizon spokes guy, don't ask me why, I just was, when I had a startling realization. His character, whom I've always referred to as EmoGuy has become a complete sellout.

Remember when he first showed up? We would see him walking the streets stopping every 5 to 10 feet tenaciously asking the mystery person on the other end of the phone if they could still hear him. He was everywhere! He was unstoppable! He was, literally, one man on a mission to make sure that someone could always converse with him.

But what has he become? He is no longer a solitary figure, marching through the (urban) jungle focused on his mission. Now he's followed by an enormous group of lackeys and yes men who do all of his work for him. He's no longer constantly checking for good reception. He is essentially asked by a 2nd party if said group will have cell phone coverage, to which he often confers with his horde before answering in the positive.

Where is my solitary Hero? Where is my heroic Knight?

Buried, under huge piles of cash. My only reassuring thought is that he probably gets shitty reception down there.

Always problems

So, I finally get another job offer. An offer which,combined with my other jobs would put me comfortably in the 30-40 hour a week range. This is what I've been trying for since I started looking for work at Ball State.

Guess what?

The university imposes limits on how much a student can work over fall and spring semester. So this leaves me with a few choices. I can can the TV station job, which has the worst and least amount of hours, but could most directly benefit me in the future. I can reject the job I recieved today with the most and best hours but probably won't do much for me down the road.

Right now I've chosesn to try to get the school to make an exception, but I have a feeling that won't happen. Plus I don't know how long that could take.

It's ridiculous. Miami let student work as much as they wanted. We had a guy in the dining halls who was working over 40 hours.

For once I just want something good to happen and not have to deal with any after effects or pull any strings to see the benefits.

I don't know how people make it in this world.

Lift your eyes

The closest I can get to my wife is a picture on the internet. She's beautiful.

I've been wrestling with positivity and productivity, namely trying to convince myself that I can be either one of those concepts. I have things I think I can be proud of. I got a job working for the public television station here. It's the graveyard shift, but I'm really excited about being involved with public tv.

I've succeeded in my goal of running every other day, though I managed to injure my leg this evening which is awesome.

I'm still pursuing Buddhism.

I've toned down the video games, though not as much as I really want to.

I've been in touch with Greg more and subsequently feel a real connection despite the distance between us.

I'm still alive, a feat I'm not sure how I'm pulling off.

These are the things I have to start to focus on. Living in utter despair is not going to end well for me.

Dripping

I saw a beautiful "Blood Moon" tonight on my run. It was definitely the reddest moon I'd seen in a long while.

Turns out today is also the summer solstice.

The personal symbolism counter has been through the roof today. Sometimes I think it's keeping me alive.

In the corner; Staring

Something I learned recently is that it's ok to be bored. In fact, it probably forces more character growth to be bored and accept it than to try and scratch our way out of such a loathsome emotion. The acceptance is something I've been struggling with recently. Our western values allow no room for boredom which is unfortunate. Boredom can open the door for important introspection, but since we're taught to be happy and entertained at all times, we end up drowning ourselves in thoughtlessness.

Striking the balance is what I'm trying to figure out how to do right now. I love to be entertained. The problem is that I like it so much I shut myself down in order to consume it. Finding that line is my current goal. That and maintaining a modicum of willpower over my own impulses and desires so that when I do establish a line in the sand I'm not crossing it immediately.

It's fucking hard.

Three Time Round

Today is my aniversary. I'm not really sure how to feel today. I am, of course, very sad that the landmark will be denoted by separation, not sure if there will be a 4th year.

Odd that I'm now listening to Space Divider by Neuroactive on Pandora Radio right now. Seems oddly fitting.

How do I acknowledge the day? The evening will be spent mostly conversing with close friends on the phone. Reading more of Faulkner, maybe watching a movie. I went for a long walk earlier which was nice. I always feel better when I get out of this room. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting away in here.

I think the most important thing for me right now is to take all of these experiences and try to learn from them. To fill up my void with something besides entertainment. To not dull my thoughts with distractions.

I guess there's not much else to say. I know this sounds a bit rambly, but I just don't know what to focus on and I don't feel like typing much else.

Photo Negative

I am no longer what I am. I am what I am not. I am my own absence.

I am Darl.

I just witnessed one of the most magnificent sights in nature I've ever seen.

I had a camera.

And right after my meditation group.

Energy

What an interesting day this has been. The sun routinely wakes me at around 6:30 or 7 every day. I'm not really used to waking up that early in the morning, but I'm getting used to it. This morning was different though. I had my usual wind up time; about an hour spent waking up at the computer. I had a lot of energy, which was odd for me, especially at that hour. I decided that I didn't want to spend the day wasting away at the computer before or after

So I went for a run. Now, I've been running on and off for a while now. It's a good activity for me to do, but I've always done it at night when it was cool. Also, I think it was so no one would see me. I don't actually have any exercise clothes, so I go out in a white t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants with snowflakes all over them. It looks a bit silly. I don't really care if people see me in them, but something deep inside me does.

Anyway, it was a really encouraging way start off my day. Church was awesome. The message was good, all about predetermination vs. choice. The pastor isn't the most amazing public speaker, but he has a good thing to say so it's not so bad. Afterwards, I decided to stay for coffee so I could hopefully chat with someone and get some social interaction. I ended up speaking with Gary, a man from my Buddhist group I had met the week before. Gary introduced me to his partner Jessie. I have to say that it was awesome to have someone trust me enough to openly be homosexual. I know that sounds silly, but you probably don't know Muncie. It is a sad, sad town.

Anyway, I was open and honest with them as we chatted about our lives. It felt good to confide in others and have them reciprocate with compassion and kindness. They're awesome. To make it better, for work Jessie travels around with a guy who dresses up as Darth Vader for fairs and parties and takes pictures of everything. My mind was blown.

I'm also not sleeping on the floor anymore. Justin (my brother in law) brought over the futon from Shannon's (our sister in law) house today. The room just looks cleaner and more homey. It feels good. I'm sitting on it right now, instead of my office chair and typing all of this on my little XO laptop. If you don't know what that is, google it. It's actually pretty awesome.

So tonight will be my second night of attending the Buddhist group. I'm looking forward to it. It's such a difficult thing for me to meditate on my own, and this group really helps me focus on staying still. Now I just need to get my mind under control.

And oh yeah, if you haven't checked out Pandora Radio, you really should.

Stepping Back

It's a humbling experience to separate from someone you love. It forces you to take a breath and re-evaluate what you do and who you are. It can get really scary if you struggle with a very basic question about your own existence. "Why?"

If you can't answer that question then all of a sudden everything becomes very dark and empty. There are two options at this point I believe. You either look for something to fill you up or you kill yourself.

Wow this blog got dark really quick.

Option A can be anything. There are a myriad of choices one can make both healthy and unhealthy. Option B...

As odd as it may sound coming from me, I've chosen to seek for meaning and release from a religion. I had always been interested in meditation and Buddhism as it seemed to be a very nonviolent way to conduct yourself in life, so I began to investigate it. I've found that it speaks to me in a very real way and it seems to offer a real hope for a release from the suffering that is the world.

The problem is, as with many religions, reading about it in a book and then extracting a life routine can be extremely difficult. How do I control and acknowledge my emotions without feeling them, but experiencing them in their fullest all at the same time? How do I relinquish control over everything around me and not subvert to fatalism in the end? What exactly is suffering in Buddhist eyes and how does enlightenment truly free me from egoistic pain?

I've joined a Buddhist group at the Unitarian church here and I've found it encouraging to be with other people who may be able to guide me in their ways. It will also be a great tool for helping me meditate, something that I have a lot of trouble with now. It's a very difficult concept for a man raised in Western Society to accept and embrace boredom.

Still, despite all the questions and struggles, its been a good Option A for me. Certainly the most positive I could come up with.

Shattered

It's hard to look at this blog and wonder, after so much time and so much change, how I can possibly pick up the pieces and go on. It seems so shallow to keep talking about entertainment culture now, and yet I don't need an outlet for which I can pour out my inner darkness. This isn't livejournal, and I have a Counselor.

I recently separated from my wife Erin. I moved out on the 3rd of June and have been living in housing meant for college students since then.

I'm really not sure what's going to happen with Erin and I. We have a plan for how we can re acclimate ourselves to each other and to our relationship over the coming months. The separation will last 4-6 months and we have been meeting with our respective Counselors individually and with all 4 of us. We have a plan in place. The scariest part is that I can't tell if Erin still wants me around at all. Some days I think she does, and others I don't think so at all. It's been difficult to know that I've wronged my wife in ways I never thought imaginable and just generally been a pretty poor husband.

So, here I sit. I thought for a moment that it might be interesting to violently change gears (ignoring the clutch altogether) and write about my new experiences living this new life I'm living now. I think that may be a bit too narrow and sad, so instead this may end up turning into a general thoughts kind of space. I hope that's ok with all 2 of you readers.

For right now, I think that's all that needs to be said.