Sunday, November 4, 2007

Surgical Maneuvers

I made a promise to myself when I started this whole thing that I was going to try to avoid any sort of real personal expression on the blog. Well, maybe not a promise, but it was a sort of goal that I was shooting for. However, after a month plus hiatus I think maybe some personality should be allowed to seep through. Plus, when all is said and done, it's all rather on topic.

Entertainment is ruining my life. Sort of. I have become dependent on outside forces to sustain me through the day. I've been like this for quite a long time now, and I've always sort of known it but it never really shown through like it has been recently.

My college days were spent working, going to class, hanging out with friends and coming back to my room to play video games. As time went on, I left my room less and less as I became more and more depressed about my situation in college (it wasn't good.) The gaming just fed the depression, which I knew at the time, but I never really wanted to do anything about it.

When I got married, I moved away from Ohio to Indiana. I left all of my friends behind, what little I had at least. Erin doesn't share the same fascination with entertainment media as I do. It's always been a rift between us. I can't tear myself from the computer which bothers her a lot. Now, to make things even worse, I am unemployed and cannot find a decent job to save my fucking life. This does not bode well for the self esteem, depression or anything like that. I try to pass the day by consuming bits of entertainment just to get to the point where I can have some human interaction when my wife comes home. The scary thing is that even when she got home, I would still want to play my games or get on the computer. This is less now than it has been, but it's still there to a degree.

Things have spiraled. The only relationship I have which is in close range would be with my wife. This relationship has been deteriorating for a long time now. We rollercoaster from liking each other to not being able to stand the other person. It's no way to have a marriage. We have always loved each other but that's just not enough for a relationship. Things have been starting to change for the better recently. I'm trying to get a handle on my addiction a little bit at a time. I've tried to cut back signifigantly on my time spent on the computer, and both of us are starting to see counsilors. I'm also trying to get out of the house more. It's working too, but it's still not perfect. I still spend too much time doing nothing at my computer. I'm still not reading as much as I'd like to.

It comes down to helplessness. I often feel as though I'm a pathetic parasite just doing what it has to to make the day go by, and I don't know how to change that. I've never been good at change and have always leaned toward the easiest solution to a problem, even when it's not a solution at all. It's really quite scary to live one's life in this fashion. I never know when something is going to fall apart on me. I'm lonely. I'm just sad most of the day.

I'm admitting this to all 2 of my readers because it helps me admit it to myself as well. Like when an alcoholic says to his family "I have a problem," I too have a problem. A big one. It's time to work on it.

I'm not proofreading this post so if some stuff doesn't make any sense then sorry.