Can You Hear Me Now?

So I was reminiscing today about the Verizon spokes guy, don't ask me why, I just was, when I had a startling realization. His character, whom I've always referred to as EmoGuy has become a complete sellout.

Remember when he first showed up? We would see him walking the streets stopping every 5 to 10 feet tenaciously asking the mystery person on the other end of the phone if they could still hear him. He was everywhere! He was unstoppable! He was, literally, one man on a mission to make sure that someone could always converse with him.

But what has he become? He is no longer a solitary figure, marching through the (urban) jungle focused on his mission. Now he's followed by an enormous group of lackeys and yes men who do all of his work for him. He's no longer constantly checking for good reception. He is essentially asked by a 2nd party if said group will have cell phone coverage, to which he often confers with his horde before answering in the positive.

Where is my solitary Hero? Where is my heroic Knight?

Buried, under huge piles of cash. My only reassuring thought is that he probably gets shitty reception down there.

Always problems

So, I finally get another job offer. An offer which,combined with my other jobs would put me comfortably in the 30-40 hour a week range. This is what I've been trying for since I started looking for work at Ball State.

Guess what?

The university imposes limits on how much a student can work over fall and spring semester. So this leaves me with a few choices. I can can the TV station job, which has the worst and least amount of hours, but could most directly benefit me in the future. I can reject the job I recieved today with the most and best hours but probably won't do much for me down the road.

Right now I've chosesn to try to get the school to make an exception, but I have a feeling that won't happen. Plus I don't know how long that could take.

It's ridiculous. Miami let student work as much as they wanted. We had a guy in the dining halls who was working over 40 hours.

For once I just want something good to happen and not have to deal with any after effects or pull any strings to see the benefits.

I don't know how people make it in this world.

Lift your eyes

The closest I can get to my wife is a picture on the internet. She's beautiful.

I've been wrestling with positivity and productivity, namely trying to convince myself that I can be either one of those concepts. I have things I think I can be proud of. I got a job working for the public television station here. It's the graveyard shift, but I'm really excited about being involved with public tv.

I've succeeded in my goal of running every other day, though I managed to injure my leg this evening which is awesome.

I'm still pursuing Buddhism.

I've toned down the video games, though not as much as I really want to.

I've been in touch with Greg more and subsequently feel a real connection despite the distance between us.

I'm still alive, a feat I'm not sure how I'm pulling off.

These are the things I have to start to focus on. Living in utter despair is not going to end well for me.

Dripping

I saw a beautiful "Blood Moon" tonight on my run. It was definitely the reddest moon I'd seen in a long while.

Turns out today is also the summer solstice.

The personal symbolism counter has been through the roof today. Sometimes I think it's keeping me alive.

In the corner; Staring

Something I learned recently is that it's ok to be bored. In fact, it probably forces more character growth to be bored and accept it than to try and scratch our way out of such a loathsome emotion. The acceptance is something I've been struggling with recently. Our western values allow no room for boredom which is unfortunate. Boredom can open the door for important introspection, but since we're taught to be happy and entertained at all times, we end up drowning ourselves in thoughtlessness.

Striking the balance is what I'm trying to figure out how to do right now. I love to be entertained. The problem is that I like it so much I shut myself down in order to consume it. Finding that line is my current goal. That and maintaining a modicum of willpower over my own impulses and desires so that when I do establish a line in the sand I'm not crossing it immediately.

It's fucking hard.

Three Time Round

Today is my aniversary. I'm not really sure how to feel today. I am, of course, very sad that the landmark will be denoted by separation, not sure if there will be a 4th year.

Odd that I'm now listening to Space Divider by Neuroactive on Pandora Radio right now. Seems oddly fitting.

How do I acknowledge the day? The evening will be spent mostly conversing with close friends on the phone. Reading more of Faulkner, maybe watching a movie. I went for a long walk earlier which was nice. I always feel better when I get out of this room. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting away in here.

I think the most important thing for me right now is to take all of these experiences and try to learn from them. To fill up my void with something besides entertainment. To not dull my thoughts with distractions.

I guess there's not much else to say. I know this sounds a bit rambly, but I just don't know what to focus on and I don't feel like typing much else.

Photo Negative

I am no longer what I am. I am what I am not. I am my own absence.

I am Darl.