das ende

2 months later, it may be time for this blog to end. i shut the door as this moment of my life passes by and open other doors to other moments. maybe i'll come back someday. maybe not. either way, it will be a new person walking through those doors.

Riveting

So how did you spend your weekend?

Friday: I spent 40 dollars on underwear and 5 dollars on a beverage warmer/usb hub.
Saturday and Sunday: I got paid to watch television for 12 hours each day.

All in all, pretty successful I'd say.

Really though, it's been good. I've been refocusing efforts on my spiritual life, spending 2 hours on Sat and Sun in a nature park meditating and reading. It's been very fulfilling.

I'm going to try something new this week. I'm taking myself offline at home. It's been a very long time since I tried to live without constant internet connection, and I think it would be a very good thing for me. I'll still check my email at the library and such. I just want to break my dependence on the net. I'm interested to see how it goes.

I hope I'll learn something about willpower while I'm at it.

I'm very proud of myself

I just got this email from my boss at PBS. He sent it around to the other Board Op's and other various people in charge.

I ALREADY want to clone Phil!! He’s a truly nice guy and obviously very capable... We had some weather issues yesterday (his 3rd shift alone) and he handled the EAS like he knew what he was doing (he did) and we experienced rain fade which ruined a recording and took him off air (he was airing net). I just happened into the area as the Technical Difficulties went up and he was glad to see me. He sorta knew what was going on but didn’t know how long it would last. We had a discussion about different scenarios that he stored away and by then, the nets were coming back. He also missed the early Barney recording due to weather (he got sidetracked by the EAS stuff) but had the forethought to check the PLT and found the later feed which he caught. That’s rare for a student; especially one with his lack of experience. I sure hope he stays around a while. Kudos to Casey, Matt S. and Matt Z. for doing a great job training him. I know it helps when you have someone exceptional to train but I’m very happy with the situation! I hope Dillon is half as good...if so, we’ll be in really good shape!



M-

Lord Vader...

is a personal friend of mine.




Here he is playfully force choking me to death. He's such a pal.

Bob Ross is a god among men

Tonight is my first night alone working at PBS.

Oh yeah, I'm working at PBS. Weekends from noon to midnight. My job basically involves me airing shows and breaks, and making recordings. I like it a lot.

So...Tonight is my first night alone working at PBS.

I'm honestly not terribly nervous about it. I've been here an hour now, and everything is running pretty smoothly.

I got to watch Joy of Painting with the afore mentioned Bob Ross. I haven't seen that show since I was a little kid. I loved it then and I love it now. He's just such a good personality. Even more interesting is that I learned that he filmed all of his shows after the first season here in Muncie. In fact, my boss Jerry Hunt was an engineer on the show. It was neat to see his name in the credits.

Unfortunately, now I have to watch an hour of country music videos.

I've got the sound turned down...

So far, so good.

Aggression

Aggression is a strange thing. It often manifests itself without the subject immediately realizing. It is often extremely difficult to recognize. It is often more difficult to acknowledge it's presence in oneself.

I shared a story with Casey, a full timer at PBS that sums up how I can lose control without any provocation. It all happened at my university a few years ago. Imagine a cold winter day. The kind of day where there is no snow on the ground and, in a strange way, because of the lack of snow it seems colder. Class had just ended and I was walking to work with a few friends.

We pass this girl on the sidewalk. She payed us no mind, as she had no reason to notice us above the crowd of students filling the walk. As she nears, I am filled with this inexplicable rage. She is wearing a short skirt (I mean short short) and a pair of Ug boots.

I completely lose control and begin shouting about how much of an idiot she is for not dressing properly for cold weather and how stupid she looks wearing those clothes.

It was an unprovoked outburst. It was totally unnecessary. The sad thing is that my friends thought it rather amusing and agreed with me wholeheartedly, thus reinforcing that kind of behavior.

I retold the story to Casey who did not react the same way. I'm glad he didn't. He seemed kind of shocked, and I could tell that he thought what I had done was completely unacceptable. It gave me pause to really step back and think about that story. About how I shouldn't think back on it fondly. It was an unprovoked verbal attack, and I embarrassed that poor girl in front of everybody.

To this day, I am still a very verbally aggressive person, sarcasm being my greatest weapon. On my way home this evening, while waiting for the bus, I made a sarcastic comment to some stranger on the street who was annoying me. There was no reason for it and it didn't change anyone's behavior.

It's an impulsivity that I need to bring under control if I am to grow into a more healthy human being.

Tomorrow I've decided to get up and go to a wooded area on BSU's campus and meditate for a while. Something to ground me, but ground me with the world, not with my apartment.



On another note, I'm an uncle for the second time over today. My sister in law gave birth to her son Gabe today. I'm excited for everyone and I'm joyful that I may get to have a part in this child's life. It's hard for me as well, as I'm not sure how much a part of that family I am right now, nor do I know if I will be at all in the future. But, as I can only know what I can know, I'm an uncle for now, and I need to work on being a good one. Men today need positive role models.


Children too...

The East

The Amish have made store bought strawberries an affront to society. My parents just wrapped up a tour of eastern Ohio. You know, where all of the Amish live. Where they grow their own food and build everything they use. They're some of the most hardcore people in this country. More badass than Hell's Angels.

So with all those years of practice, they obviously know what they're doing when it comes to growing food. Mom and dad shared with me the strawberries they had brought back. They were so sweet it was like eating candy. Their colour was a deep rich red, and the texture just right. Unbelievable.

Well, I got home from my trip today and decided to eat some of the strawberries I had in my 'fridge. I think the only word that can describe them would be "leathery."

Leathery strawberries.

What the hell.

I can't do the supermarket anymore.


And oh yeah, their cheese is the same way. Liquid awesome.