Meraudian Heresy

das ende

2008-10-03T20:59:00.001-07:00

2 months later, it may be time for this blog to end. i shut the door as this moment of my life passes by and open other doors to other moments. maybe i'll come back someday. maybe not. either way, it will be a new person walking through those doors.

Riveting

2008-07-27T19:39:00.000-07:00

So how did you spend your weekend?

Friday: I spent 40 dollars on underwear and 5 dollars on a beverage warmer/usb hub.
Saturday and Sunday: I got paid to watch television for 12 hours each day.

All in all, pretty successful I'd say.

Really though, it's been good. I've been refocusing efforts on my spiritual life, spending 2 hours on Sat and Sun in a nature park meditating and reading. It's been very fulfilling.

I'm going to try something new this week. I'm taking myself offline at home. It's been a very long time since I tried to live without constant internet connection, and I think it would be a very good thing for me. I'll still check my email at the library and such. I just want to break my dependence on the net. I'm interested to see how it goes.

I hope I'll learn something about willpower while I'm at it.

I'm very proud of myself

2008-07-22T18:22:00.000-07:00

I just got this email from my boss at PBS. He sent it around to the other Board Op's and other various people in charge.

I ALREADY want to clone Phil!! He’s a truly nice guy and obviously very capable... We had some weather issues yesterday (his 3rd shift alone) and he handled the EAS like he knew what he was doing (he did) and we experienced rain fade which ruined a recording and took him off air (he was airing net). I just happened into the area as the Technical Difficulties went up and he was glad to see me. He sorta knew what was going on but didn’t know how long it would last. We had a discussion about different scenarios that he stored away and by then, the nets were coming back. He also missed the early Barney recording due to weather (he got sidetracked by the EAS stuff) but had the forethought to check the PLT and found the later feed which he caught. That’s rare for a student; especially one with his lack of experience. I sure hope he stays around a while. Kudos to Casey, Matt S. and Matt Z. for doing a great job training him. I know it helps when you have someone exceptional to train but I’m very happy with the situation! I hope Dillon is half as good...if so, we’ll be in really good shape!

M-

Lord Vader...

2008-07-20T09:28:00.000-07:00

is a personal friend of mine.

Here he is playfully force choking me to death. He's such a pal.

Bob Ross is a god among men

2008-07-19T16:06:00.000-07:00

Tonight is my first night alone working at PBS.

Oh yeah, I'm working at PBS. Weekends from noon to midnight. My job basically involves me airing shows and breaks, and making recordings. I like it a lot.

So...Tonight is my first night alone working at PBS.

I'm honestly not terribly nervous about it. I've been here an hour now, and everything is running pretty smoothly.

I got to watch Joy of Painting with the afore mentioned Bob Ross. I haven't seen that show since I was a little kid. I loved it then and I love it now. He's just such a good personality. Even more interesting is that I learned that he filmed all of his shows after the first season here in Muncie. In fact, my boss Jerry Hunt was an engineer on the show. It was neat to see his name in the credits.

Unfortunately, now I have to watch an hour of country music videos.

I've got the sound turned down...

So far, so good.

Aggression

2008-07-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

Aggression is a strange thing. It often manifests itself without the subject immediately realizing. It is often extremely difficult to recognize. It is often more difficult to acknowledge it's presence in oneself.

I shared a story with Casey, a full timer at PBS that sums up how I can lose control without any provocation. It all happened at my university a few years ago. Imagine a cold winter day. The kind of day where there is no snow on the ground and, in a strange way, because of the lack of snow it seems colder. Class had just ended and I was walking to work with a few friends.

We pass this girl on the sidewalk. She payed us no mind, as she had no reason to notice us above the crowd of students filling the walk. As she nears, I am filled with this inexplicable rage. She is wearing a short skirt (I mean short short) and a pair of Ug boots.

I completely lose control and begin shouting about how much of an idiot she is for not dressing properly for cold weather and how stupid she looks wearing those clothes.

It was an unprovoked outburst. It was totally unnecessary. The sad thing is that my friends thought it rather amusing and agreed with me wholeheartedly, thus reinforcing that kind of behavior.

I retold the story to Casey who did not react the same way. I'm glad he didn't. He seemed kind of shocked, and I could tell that he thought what I had done was completely unacceptable. It gave me pause to really step back and think about that story. About how I shouldn't think back on it fondly. It was an unprovoked verbal attack, and I embarrassed that poor girl in front of everybody.

To this day, I am still a very verbally aggressive person, sarcasm being my greatest weapon. On my way home this evening, while waiting for the bus, I made a sarcastic comment to some stranger on the street who was annoying me. There was no reason for it and it didn't change anyone's behavior.

It's an impulsivity that I need to bring under control if I am to grow into a more healthy human being.

Tomorrow I've decided to get up and go to a wooded area on BSU's campus and meditate for a while. Something to ground me, but ground me with the world, not with my apartment.

On another note, I'm an uncle for the second time over today. My sister in law gave birth to her son Gabe today. I'm excited for everyone and I'm joyful that I may get to have a part in this child's life. It's hard for me as well, as I'm not sure how much a part of that family I am right now, nor do I know if I will be at all in the future. But, as I can only know what I can know, I'm an uncle for now, and I need to work on being a good one. Men today need positive role models.

Children too...

The East

2008-07-06T18:07:00.000-07:00

The Amish have made store bought strawberries an affront to society. My parents just wrapped up a tour of eastern Ohio. You know, where all of the Amish live. Where they grow their own food and build everything they use. They're some of the most hardcore people in this country. More badass than Hell's Angels.

So with all those years of practice, they obviously know what they're doing when it comes to growing food. Mom and dad shared with me the strawberries they had brought back. They were so sweet it was like eating candy. Their colour was a deep rich red, and the texture just right. Unbelievable.

Well, I got home from my trip today and decided to eat some of the strawberries I had in my 'fridge. I think the only word that can describe them would be "leathery."

Leathery strawberries.

What the hell.

I can't do the supermarket anymore.

And oh yeah, their cheese is the same way. Liquid awesome.

Can You Hear Me Now?

2008-06-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

So I was reminiscing today about the Verizon spokes guy, don't ask me why, I just was, when I had a startling realization. His character, whom I've always referred to as EmoGuy has become a complete sellout.

Remember when he first showed up? We would see him walking the streets stopping every 5 to 10 feet tenaciously asking the mystery person on the other end of the phone if they could still hear him. He was everywhere! He was unstoppable! He was, literally, one man on a mission to make sure that someone could always converse with him.

But what has he become? He is no longer a solitary figure, marching through the (urban) jungle focused on his mission. Now he's followed by an enormous group of lackeys and yes men who do all of his work for him. He's no longer constantly checking for good reception. He is essentially asked by a 2nd party if said group will have cell phone coverage, to which he often confers with his horde before answering in the positive.

Where is my solitary Hero? Where is my heroic Knight?

Buried, under huge piles of cash. My only reassuring thought is that he probably gets shitty reception down there.

Always problems

2008-06-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

So, I finally get another job offer. An offer which,combined with my other jobs would put me comfortably in the 30-40 hour a week range. This is what I've been trying for since I started looking for work at Ball State.

Guess what?

The university imposes limits on how much a student can work over fall and spring semester. So this leaves me with a few choices. I can can the TV station job, which has the worst and least amount of hours, but could most directly benefit me in the future. I can reject the job I recieved today with the most and best hours but probably won't do much for me down the road.

Right now I've chosesn to try to get the school to make an exception, but I have a feeling that won't happen. Plus I don't know how long that could take.

It's ridiculous. Miami let student work as much as they wanted. We had a guy in the dining halls who was working over 40 hours.

For once I just want something good to happen and not have to deal with any after effects or pull any strings to see the benefits.

I don't know how people make it in this world.

Lift your eyes

2008-06-25T21:11:00.001-07:00

The closest I can get to my wife is a picture on the internet. She's beautiful.

I've been wrestling with positivity and productivity, namely trying to convince myself that I can be either one of those concepts. I have things I think I can be proud of. I got a job working for the public television station here. It's the graveyard shift, but I'm really excited about being involved with public tv.

I've succeeded in my goal of running every other day, though I managed to injure my leg this evening which is awesome.

I'm still pursuing Buddhism.

I've toned down the video games, though not as much as I really want to.

I've been in touch with Greg more and subsequently feel a real connection despite the distance between us.

I'm still alive, a feat I'm not sure how I'm pulling off.

These are the things I have to start to focus on. Living in utter despair is not going to end well for me.

Dripping

2008-06-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

I saw a beautiful "Blood Moon" tonight on my run. It was definitely the reddest moon I'd seen in a long while.

Turns out today is also the summer solstice.

The personal symbolism counter has been through the roof today. Sometimes I think it's keeping me alive.

In the corner; Staring

2008-06-19T17:42:00.000-07:00

Something I learned recently is that it's ok to be bored. In fact, it probably forces more character growth to be bored and accept it than to try and scratch our way out of such a loathsome emotion. The acceptance is something I've been struggling with recently. Our western values allow no room for boredom which is unfortunate. Boredom can open the door for important introspection, but since we're taught to be happy and entertained at all times, we end up drowning ourselves in thoughtlessness.

Striking the balance is what I'm trying to figure out how to do right now. I love to be entertained. The problem is that I like it so much I shut myself down in order to consume it. Finding that line is my current goal. That and maintaining a modicum of willpower over my own impulses and desires so that when I do establish a line in the sand I'm not crossing it immediately.

It's fucking hard.

Three Time Round

2008-06-18T16:04:00.000-07:00

Today is my aniversary. I'm not really sure how to feel today. I am, of course, very sad that the landmark will be denoted by separation, not sure if there will be a 4th year.

Odd that I'm now listening to Space Divider by Neuroactive on Pandora Radio right now. Seems oddly fitting.

How do I acknowledge the day? The evening will be spent mostly conversing with close friends on the phone. Reading more of Faulkner, maybe watching a movie. I went for a long walk earlier which was nice. I always feel better when I get out of this room. I don't want to feel like I'm wasting away in here.

I think the most important thing for me right now is to take all of these experiences and try to learn from them. To fill up my void with something besides entertainment. To not dull my thoughts with distractions.

I guess there's not much else to say. I know this sounds a bit rambly, but I just don't know what to focus on and I don't feel like typing much else.

Photo Negative

2008-06-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

I am no longer what I am. I am what I am not. I am my own absence.

I am Darl.

2008-06-15T18:18:00.001-07:00

I just witnessed one of the most magnificent sights in nature I've ever seen.

I had a camera.

And right after my meditation group.

Energy

2008-06-15T14:26:00.000-07:00

What an interesting day this has been. The sun routinely wakes me at around 6:30 or 7 every day. I'm not really used to waking up that early in the morning, but I'm getting used to it. This morning was different though. I had my usual wind up time; about an hour spent waking up at the computer. I had a lot of energy, which was odd for me, especially at that hour. I decided that I didn't want to spend the day wasting away at the computer before or after

So I went for a run. Now, I've been running on and off for a while now. It's a good activity for me to do, but I've always done it at night when it was cool. Also, I think it was so no one would see me. I don't actually have any exercise clothes, so I go out in a white t-shirt and a pair of pajama pants with snowflakes all over them. It looks a bit silly. I don't really care if people see me in them, but something deep inside me does.

Anyway, it was a really encouraging way start off my day. Church was awesome. The message was good, all about predetermination vs. choice. The pastor isn't the most amazing public speaker, but he has a good thing to say so it's not so bad. Afterwards, I decided to stay for coffee so I could hopefully chat with someone and get some social interaction. I ended up speaking with Gary, a man from my Buddhist group I had met the week before. Gary introduced me to his partner Jessie. I have to say that it was awesome to have someone trust me enough to openly be homosexual. I know that sounds silly, but you probably don't know Muncie. It is a sad, sad town.

Anyway, I was open and honest with them as we chatted about our lives. It felt good to confide in others and have them reciprocate with compassion and kindness. They're awesome. To make it better, for work Jessie travels around with a guy who dresses up as Darth Vader for fairs and parties and takes pictures of everything. My mind was blown.

I'm also not sleeping on the floor anymore. Justin (my brother in law) brought over the futon from Shannon's (our sister in law) house today. The room just looks cleaner and more homey. It feels good. I'm sitting on it right now, instead of my office chair and typing all of this on my little XO laptop. If you don't know what that is, google it. It's actually pretty awesome.

So tonight will be my second night of attending the Buddhist group. I'm looking forward to it. It's such a difficult thing for me to meditate on my own, and this group really helps me focus on staying still. Now I just need to get my mind under control.

And oh yeah, if you haven't checked out Pandora Radio, you really should.

Stepping Back

2008-06-13T15:26:00.000-07:00

It's a humbling experience to separate from someone you love. It forces you to take a breath and re-evaluate what you do and who you are. It can get really scary if you struggle with a very basic question about your own existence. "Why?"

If you can't answer that question then all of a sudden everything becomes very dark and empty. There are two options at this point I believe. You either look for something to fill you up or you kill yourself.

Wow this blog got dark really quick.

Option A can be anything. There are a myriad of choices one can make both healthy and unhealthy. Option B...

As odd as it may sound coming from me, I've chosen to seek for meaning and release from a religion. I had always been interested in meditation and Buddhism as it seemed to be a very nonviolent way to conduct yourself in life, so I began to investigate it. I've found that it speaks to me in a very real way and it seems to offer a real hope for a release from the suffering that is the world.

The problem is, as with many religions, reading about it in a book and then extracting a life routine can be extremely difficult. How do I control and acknowledge my emotions without feeling them, but experiencing them in their fullest all at the same time? How do I relinquish control over everything around me and not subvert to fatalism in the end? What exactly is suffering in Buddhist eyes and how does enlightenment truly free me from egoistic pain?

I've joined a Buddhist group at the Unitarian church here and I've found it encouraging to be with other people who may be able to guide me in their ways. It will also be a great tool for helping me meditate, something that I have a lot of trouble with now. It's a very difficult concept for a man raised in Western Society to accept and embrace boredom.

Still, despite all the questions and struggles, its been a good Option A for me. Certainly the most positive I could come up with.

Shattered

2008-06-12T20:17:00.000-07:00

It's hard to look at this blog and wonder, after so much time and so much change, how I can possibly pick up the pieces and go on. It seems so shallow to keep talking about entertainment culture now, and yet I don't need an outlet for which I can pour out my inner darkness. This isn't livejournal, and I have a Counselor.

I recently separated from my wife Erin. I moved out on the 3rd of June and have been living in housing meant for college students since then.

I'm really not sure what's going to happen with Erin and I. We have a plan for how we can re acclimate ourselves to each other and to our relationship over the coming months. The separation will last 4-6 months and we have been meeting with our respective Counselors individually and with all 4 of us. We have a plan in place. The scariest part is that I can't tell if Erin still wants me around at all. Some days I think she does, and others I don't think so at all. It's been difficult to know that I've wronged my wife in ways I never thought imaginable and just generally been a pretty poor husband.

So, here I sit. I thought for a moment that it might be interesting to violently change gears (ignoring the clutch altogether) and write about my new experiences living this new life I'm living now. I think that may be a bit too narrow and sad, so instead this may end up turning into a general thoughts kind of space. I hope that's ok with all 2 of you readers.

For right now, I think that's all that needs to be said.

I'm good at Rock Band

2008-03-26T13:58:00.000-07:00

I had my mind blown on Sunday. I have rhythm.

Erin and I spent Easter with her whole family at her sister Shannon's house. Shannon has 3 boys who recieved Rock Band for Christmas. Now, I've always been slightly skeptical about rhythm games like this. I don't really care for rock music. I'm also not particularly dexterous or quick and my reaction time isn't what it needs to be in order to play these games successfully.

I was soon to be proven wrong.

I had always been pretty interested in the concept of the game. I mean, who wouldn't want to play a game like that with 3 other friends, cheering each other on and laughing at everyone's mistakes. There just seemed to be a lot of good cheer baked on into the game formula. Sure you can play it competitively, but you didn't have to. Straight away, the main reason I don't play games with others (I absolutely hate competition) vanishes. So I decided to pick it up and play with my 2 brother in laws.

It was fucking sweet. We weren't amazing but we certainly weren't bad. Granted we were playing on easy but except for Brent (Shannon's husband) we'd never played the game before. I started with the guitar and was really pleased with it. It far simpler than I had expected thanks to the games brilliant mapping of the notes. I had always been afraid that the notes you played on the instruments and the melody of the song wouldn't coincide very gracefully. I was totally wrong. It makes playing the songs feel very intuitive.

Then I tried the drums.

Holy crap. Much harder than the guitar, but not so hard I couldn't do it. So much fun though. Made me feel like I was actually playing an instrument. Just brilliant. If I had friends that came over to my house a lot I would actually consider dropping 180 dollars on the thing. It's that much fun.

Why are Goths so fucking Goth?

2008-03-14T23:00:00.000-07:00

Case in point

I've been listening to this band for the past week or so now. It's really good music. Really good.

What does this band have to do with my question? Read these song lyrics.

Clap your hands you mother fuckers
Buy the record
Sing along
The moment that you dig this song I will become your newborn christ.

Clap your hands you mother fuckers
Buy the record
Sing along
I'm coming now, it won't be long before I am your antichrist.

The song is entitled Christ.

What the fuck does that even mean?

Now I'm not necessarily averse to inflammatory religious lyrics, but that just doesn't even make any sense. It's not the only instance on the disc either. There's all sorts of anti-Christianity contained therein, often accompanied by erotic imagery and implications.

Why? Why is it necessary?

:Wumpscut: is another case. He throws anti Jesus imagery and lyrics around like it's no tomorrow often to the songs detraction.

I admit the phenomenon is not as prevalent in the industrial music circuit, but being as industrial and goth music are akin to kissin' cousins it's still there.

So why the fuck are goths just so fucking satanic? What's the point? There's a darkness to life that doesn't need a Satan. We can all be emo, weird and dark without a physical manifestation of evil. And come on, if there is a such a manifestation, why are they all running to embrace it. Are they just so anxious to be different and "weird" that they'll latch on to anything the "mainstream" deems disgusting and abnormal?

I don't know. I just wish that some artists could divorce their Gothiness from their artistry because sometimes it just pulls them down.

2008-03-01T19:20:00.001-08:00

Who wants to go see Seabound and Iris in Chicago with me? You know you do.

2008-02-28T17:43:00.001-08:00

Also

Absolve me

2008-02-28T12:06:00.000-08:00

Confessions time. I have risen to a new height of nerd-dom. I never really saw it coming, and I can say with assurance that the ascension brings with it a sense of pride. I've finished the Silmarillion and I loved every minute of it.

I tried to read it years ago when I was still in high school and just couldn't do it. I had just finished The Lord of the Rings and was looking for some more Middle Earth action. I told my dad that I was going to give it a shot, and I remember him making this strange face. A kind of "why would you do that to yourself?" look. He had tried to read it when he was younger and just couldn't get into it. I was soon to understand why.

It was wordy to be nigh incomprehensible. Places and names constantly being fired at the reader. It felt like Tolkien was using a sort of sink or swim methodology in his writing. I didn't get far. I was expecting a more coherent experience like from LotR or The Hobbit. The timing just wasn't right.

About a year ago the Tolkien empire released the latest story entitled The Children of Hurin. Erin and I picked it up, being huge fans of LotR (book and film series). I was the one to read it first. I found it a bit hard to follow, the writing being much like what I remember from The Silmarillion, but there was something engaging enough to keep me going. Most importantly though, it proved to me that I could get over the hump of Tolkien's writing.

Last month I suddenly became very interested in reading/learning about the origins of Middle Earth and what is referred to as "The First Age." I realized that one of the reasons Children of Hurin may have been so difficult to read was because I had no context about the world in which the tale took place. What if I gave acquiring that context a shot?

So I did.

I was enthralled. Yes it's difficult to follow. Yes Tolkien throws out landmarks, cities and names like used Kleenex, but if you can just get past all that you ascend into a rich world filled with detail. A truly epic completely fleshed out history of the world from it's inception to creation to rise to fall to rise again and so on. I never imagined I would like it as much as I did. I'm considering re-reading Children of Hurin to see what else I can get from that tale.

Yes, I am a huge nerd. I guess I'm ok with that.

On a completely different note, I stumbled upon a series of youtube videos by a group called Lasagna Cat. I'm not going to explain it, because the revelation is part of the joy, so just watch the video below and if you want more then all I can say is "Google is your friend."

Final moments

2008-02-27T11:45:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about endings lately. Actually, this gem of a thread over at NeoGaf got me thinking about them. To sum up, the poster lambasts the Cohen Brothers for an abrupt ending to their film. If you haven't seen the film (which, if this is the case you should run to the theater immediately) the situation is comporable to the Director's Cut of Blade Runner. Ambiguity left up to the interpretation of the audience. Use this as a refrence if needed.

Now I, along with many other film snobs, prefer Blade Runner's Director's Cut as the film allows us to draw our own conclusions about the story and themes of the film. At it's base it forces us to think analytically about the film and even encourages us to view the film again to flesh out whatever thoughts we have.

Before I get too far, I suppose that I must say that there is something to be said for the original cut of Blade Runner along with every other film which spells out it's themes and narriative as bluntly as possible. This is the form of cinema which allows us to just sit back and enjoy a good distraction. Sometimes we just want to shut off the brain and be entertained. The problem with films like this is that they don't have much persistance. They don't generally have any kind of lasting impact on our thoughts. Sure I loved watching John McClain blow the shit out of the bad guys in Die Hard, but I didn't find myself thinking differently about the world or any statements the film may have had embedded within it.

One of my favorite endings of all time is in the film Children of Men. Not only was it a fantastic "what if" look at a society without children, but the ending said everything it needed to say with 3 words and some sound effects. The movie follows Theo as he attempts to get the only pregnant woman in the world to safety. In the end he dies having sucessfully protected the woman and delivering her to an organization which will protect her. Upon his death the screen goes dark, the film title is displayed across the screen and we hear a child laughing. The sound grows as more and more children begin to laugh until it becomes a cacophany of sound which ends abruptly. Roll credits.

What's so awesome about that ending is that it takes some thought to decipher. I recall hearing groans of disappointment when I saw the film in the theaters. Even my wife didn't really understand it until I shared my thoughts with her. The story which ended when Theo died. We are then given the happiest ending we can get from the wholly dystopian world in the film. One child laughing happily joined by other children and then more children signifying the repopulation of the human race. That was it. That was all we as an audience needed to know.

No Country for Old Men is very similar, though I believe it may be more pregnant with meaning than Children of Men. Most importantly it made me think. It made me think of how the world of the film would continue after the credits had ended. It made me think of why the Cohen Brothers and, initially, Cormac McCarthy chose to end their story in such a way and what I as an audience member should glean from that choice.

The best forms of art are the forms that make us think and question. Endings are so important because its the final experience of that art. It's the most prominant and lasting thing we experience in art. It's why I prefer endings presented in the forms of questions. Ending that make me wonder at its own purpose, and in that wonder bring me back into the world of film and remember and question things from it's main body.

Now go watch No Country for Old Men. And go read Cormac McCarthy.

Manliness

2008-01-29T16:06:00.001-08:00

This movie:

sucks.

Often referenced in pop culture and heralded by men both young and old Highlander was a movie I had yet to absorb into my ever growing film consciousness. Last night, that all changed. I wish that it hadn't.

Holy shit people what good is there to see in this film. The story is utter trash. My wife (who watched it with me) insists that the plot could have been good and probably should have been told in a book. I politely disagree, but whatever. The editing was starting to give me a headache by the end of the movie, snapping me viciously back and forth through time from one nonsensical scene to the next. It is my theory that the movie is constructed solely from separately written scenes rather than a fully planned out story.

And the fight scenes? Come on. I haven't seen such low energy fight scenes since...well I'm pretty sure I've seen better ones in movies lampooned by the MST3K crew. Lame.

Also, Christopher Lambert is the worst actor ever. I'm not even familiar with his other work and because I'm acting all pissy I'm not going to look it up, easy as that may be. He has one facial expression through the whole movie.

The music by Queen made me burst into laughter whenever it played. It wasn't bad music necessarily, but it was just so out of place.

I feel like I've been lied to by everyone who's ever talked about this film. I know it was supposed to be kind of bad, but I could find nothing redeemable.

/rant

2008-01-12T15:27:00.001-08:00

Mike,

Stop being a fucking trouble maker you little minx.

Love,
Meraud

P.S.
I hyper linked the image just to make you mad.

Curses!

2008-01-10T13:59:00.000-08:00

I'm being forced to update this blog on my wife's accursed iBook. It is without a doubt the shittiest computer I have ever used. Ever. My power supply on my comp blew out last week, and we don't have the money in the budget to buy a new one right now. I'm bummed, but I'll make due I suppose.

I've had some ideas for stories and plot devices burning around in my head recently. Actually, I usually have something going on up there, but lately I've started to feel like I want to start writing it all down. I know that I pretty much never will unless I'm acted upon by some outside force (I'm the embodiment of newtonian physics if you didn't know) so I'm giving some thought to joining a creative writing class this summer. Something to shake me up a bit I guess. I think it would be good for me.

I've been watching some documentaries on Philip K. Dick thanks to my awesome Blade Runner birthday present, and it's made me start thinking about the stuff I've got going on up in my own attic. Apparently he would let ideas perculate in his mind until things reached critical mass, whereupon he would just start writing everything down. It makes me wonder if this methodology would work well for me.

The funny thing is, I've had this idea about collaborating with Andrew on some new RPG book or something like that. My wife has always pushed this idea for me, and I always liked it even if it seemed quite impractical.

On a semi related note, everyone reading this who has some semblance of a heart or soul needs to read this.

It is without a doubt one of the most brilliantly moving pieces of literature I have ever read. I'm not sure that I can really explain its power without cheapening anything for a potential reader. I guess a good way to put it would be that it is one of the saddest and most emotional post apocalyptic stories I've encountered. It's beautiful.

Lastly, I love Imogen Heap. That is all.

sin waves

2007-12-11T17:51:00.000-08:00

I lied to you Andrew. I'm sorry.

It's funny to think about the things that helped me define my personality in the past, especially when comparing them to the present.

I love music. I'm not sure I love it quite as much as I used to. Maybe that's not true. I just don't spend as much money on it anymore. The strange thing is that music used to be the defining point of my character in my later teens. In fact, at one point I was referred to as Rammstein Phil, something I'm not really proud of.

My entire wardrobe consisted of either black kahkis or black pants procured from Hot Topic (Gothic!), various band shirts (Rammstein, Front Line Assembly, Wumpscut Funkervogt), and a SWAT team vest that I bought from a local army surplus store. And, of course, combat boots. Gotta have the combat boots. I was fucking hardcore.

Music was my life. It was where all of my money went. CD's, clothing, clubs, concerts. One of my favorite things to do was to drive to Columbus (45 minute drive) just to go to a record shop (Magnolia Thunderpussy). Sometimes I would walk around town and go to other shops, but often I would buy whatever I wanted and turn right around and come home. This was the extent to which I would go to pick up records. I miss that place so much...

Bringing myself current, I don't really do that stuff anymore. Or at least not as much. I still have a favorite music store (Vibes in Castleton). My dress has also calmed down quite a bit in the past years. The band shirts were the first things to go, followed by all of the pseudo goth Hot Topic clothing. Jeans, a pant style I swore would never touch the skin of my body, have now made themselves into regular rotation, and my shirts have become more colorful than I could have imagined.

I still listen to music just as much as I used to, I just spend less money and time on it. I also identify with it less on an outward scale. I suppose it would be better to say that I don't use it to identify me anymore. I'm not sad that the change, though it does make me quite nostolgic and dewy eyed to think about sometimes. In the end, I'm glad it happened. I used to go to Goth clubs all the time in high school. My group of friends were some of the younger groups there. That was ok.

The old people just came across as sad. Like these guys.

I'm so glad I didn't end up like them.

Surgical Maneuvers

2007-11-04T23:30:00.000-08:00

I made a promise to myself when I started this whole thing that I was going to try to avoid any sort of real personal expression on the blog. Well, maybe not a promise, but it was a sort of goal that I was shooting for. However, after a month plus hiatus I think maybe some personality should be allowed to seep through. Plus, when all is said and done, it's all rather on topic.

Entertainment is ruining my life. Sort of. I have become dependent on outside forces to sustain me through the day. I've been like this for quite a long time now, and I've always sort of known it but it never really shown through like it has been recently.

My college days were spent working, going to class, hanging out with friends and coming back to my room to play video games. As time went on, I left my room less and less as I became more and more depressed about my situation in college (it wasn't good.) The gaming just fed the depression, which I knew at the time, but I never really wanted to do anything about it.

When I got married, I moved away from Ohio to Indiana. I left all of my friends behind, what little I had at least. Erin doesn't share the same fascination with entertainment media as I do. It's always been a rift between us. I can't tear myself from the computer which bothers her a lot. Now, to make things even worse, I am unemployed and cannot find a decent job to save my fucking life. This does not bode well for the self esteem, depression or anything like that. I try to pass the day by consuming bits of entertainment just to get to the point where I can have some human interaction when my wife comes home. The scary thing is that even when she got home, I would still want to play my games or get on the computer. This is less now than it has been, but it's still there to a degree.

Things have spiraled. The only relationship I have which is in close range would be with my wife. This relationship has been deteriorating for a long time now. We rollercoaster from liking each other to not being able to stand the other person. It's no way to have a marriage. We have always loved each other but that's just not enough for a relationship. Things have been starting to change for the better recently. I'm trying to get a handle on my addiction a little bit at a time. I've tried to cut back signifigantly on my time spent on the computer, and both of us are starting to see counsilors. I'm also trying to get out of the house more. It's working too, but it's still not perfect. I still spend too much time doing nothing at my computer. I'm still not reading as much as I'd like to.

It comes down to helplessness. I often feel as though I'm a pathetic parasite just doing what it has to to make the day go by, and I don't know how to change that. I've never been good at change and have always leaned toward the easiest solution to a problem, even when it's not a solution at all. It's really quite scary to live one's life in this fashion. I never know when something is going to fall apart on me. I'm lonely. I'm just sad most of the day.

I'm admitting this to all 2 of my readers because it helps me admit it to myself as well. Like when an alcoholic says to his family "I have a problem," I too have a problem. A big one. It's time to work on it.

I'm not proofreading this post so if some stuff doesn't make any sense then sorry.

not like ted bundy

2007-09-27T14:30:00.000-07:00

Mike mentioned in the recent barrage of comments aimed at this blog to talk about S.T.A.L.K.E.R. (henceforth known as Stalker). I have no problem with this. He wants me to talk about it in reference to my previous tirade on poor game design. Unfortunately, I have no idea whether Mike thinks this game really is poorly designed, or if he's being an ass because he knows I love the game. Either way, here we go.

Stalker was released back in March of '07. At this time the game had reached a sort of legendary status, not because of all of the interesting game play elements GSC (the developer) had promised, but because the game had been originally slated for a 2003 release. Also, the constant delays did nothing to expand the game in any way. In fact numerous elements were stripped out as they proved too complex or unfeasible to implement. Vehicles, a persistent world with no level loading, and a larger area sadly were cut in the final release.

These disappointments aside, the game is fantastic. I've actually taken a go at playing it through again, and I'm still impressed.

The game takes place a few years in the future near the Chernobyl nuclear power plant. Horrendous mutations have occurred turning animals into deranged beasts, humans into zombies, the area is plagued with bandits and looters. Stalker uses the oh so contrived plot gimmick of amnesia to set the player forth on exploring the world. But we won't speak of the plot. It's a poorly translated, convoluted waste of time (the game was actually developed by Ukrainians).

Where the game excels is in its world. AI controlled animals and humans roam the countryside fighting each other, animals drag dead bodies away to eat them, characters sit around fires strumming away at guitars or telling jokes (I think so at least. Thanks to the absence of subtitles, I don't really know for sure. Everybody laughs at the end though so I think they were telling a funny...). It's a pretty neat thing to see. The combat is also very interesting. Weapons are wildly inaccurate, so great care must be taken in a firefight to aim properly. This is not a run and gun classic FPS.

The environments are also wonderfully done. Much of the game world was based on actual environments and buildings in the real world. The town of Pripyat and the famous Reactor 4 at the nuclear plant are just a wonderful sight to look at. You can tell that GSC loved their game and wanted to really capture the rundown world that surrounded the plant.

That was probably part of the problem with the game's development. I see the developers wanting to capture everything too accurately and trying to cram too much in, and they just couldn't pull it off. In the end, the game has a bit of a rushed feel to it. I'm pretty sure that the publisher THQ stepped in and started cracking the whip to get the game out. It's buggy as hell which can be really annoying when you can't finish quests, the game performance was shit initially, though patches have done much to help this. Also, as previously indicated there is a lot of spoken Russian dialogue in the game (imagine that!) but there are no subtitles. This can be very annoying and can really pull you out of the game world and experience.

But despite that, it's still one of the better more immersive games I own.

So there Mike. Stalker rules.

elements of bleh

2007-09-18T11:31:00.000-07:00

What causes developers all over the world to make design choices. Specifically, why do they make bad ones. Aren't they supposed to be professionals?

I just played through Kameo: Elements of Power. I've been thinking about how to best sum up my experience. Pretty. Normal Mapped. Charming. Poorly written. A constant wrestling match.

For a game that's almost 2 years old, it still looks pretty remarkable in places. Notably the use of lighting and extensive foliage. Some character models are downright jaw dropping thanks to a combination of design and animation. Other stuff doesn't fair too well. Bland and blurry textures are pretty meh, but they're not too distracting.

The game revolves around the player acquiring different elemental creature things which have a wide variety of powers. These powers are used mostly for environmental puzzle solving. The problem is that none of the characters are all that adept with combat. The first and last characters are designed specifically for fighting, but thats out of a cast of 10. It can make combat a bit frustrating at times. The puzzles range from decent to unbelievably mind numbing and repetitive. I can only use Major Ruin to spin into a ball propelling me up a ramp so many times before I start to get kind of sick of it.

Now we come to the really crappy stuff. The writing is laughably bad. The story is stupid and predictable and the dialog stilted. In fact, the game basically tells you in the first 5 minutes of play that one of the characters is going to betray you. I knew the ending in the first 5 minutes. That's some shitty writing people. It also feels really out of place. A plot that feels like it's written for 10 year olds existing with game play that has you throwing trolls into spinning fan blades chopping them into little bitty bits. It just feels really out of place.

There's also a bunch of overt sexuality riddled throughout the game. Kameo is scantily clad, her boobs almost busting out of her clothing. When she flies (she's a fairy...elf...fairy...thing) you get a fairly clear panty shot if you position the camera right. It's a good thing panties are around in the old vaguely European fantasy world she lives in. This stuff, however, is nothing compaired to when you rescue an elemental from a shadow demon. At the end of the battle you approach the elemental and "absorb" it. The disturbing part is the doughy eyed look each elemental gives Kameo, and the seductive slanty eyed devil grin she returns accompanied by a throaty sexual moan. The demon then bursts into the air and "enters" Kameo, with explosive results. I'm not making this up and I'm not embelishing. I was laughing the first time I saw it, and groaning with emberassment the last time.

And so we come to the biggest sin of all. Control. In this day and age, consoles have a pretty set control layout for games across the board. There is no excuse for a game in which the player must struggle to control the characters adequately. So what happens when a game has shitty controls? Why isn't it caught? Why doesn't someone on quality control say something? Why is the elemental who is supposed to specialize in underwater realms not controlled with the analog sticks? Why is one of the trigger buttons used to thrust the creature forward? It's hard to describe how bad this is for gameplay. It's ackward and completely unnecessary.

The final insult? The last boss. He's a huge troll who can take lots of damage. I understand wanting to make a boss be able to absorb a gigantic amount of punishment, but when your designers decide that it should take a full 10 minutes of constant attacks to down your last boss, that's unforgivable. Yes, it literally takes 10 minutes to beat the last guy. When I say, constant attacks, I mean it. If you don't use this certain elemental's attack, it would probably take 4 times as long. I'm not kidding.

It's especially odd for this game as well. Every previous boss battle involves finding some kind of weak point and exploiting it. Sort of a mini puzzle. The game trains you to think like that. Then you get to the final guy and the game just says, "Forget all the intelligent boss design. Just hit this guy. Hit him a bunch until he falls down." Why?

That's it for my Kameo rant. It was 20 bucks. It was fun in places, so I'm not too disappointed. Whatever.

Angels of the Fall

2007-09-14T13:50:00.000-07:00

I don't get Halo. I haven't gotten it for years.

I remember when Halo was first announced as a PC shooter waaay back in the day. I don't recall getting too overly excited about it. I'd never heard of the developer, and for some reason, the gameplay just didn't seem to click with me. Fast forward to the Halo release for the Xbox. Madness ensues. It seems like everyone is touting it as one of the most amazing shooters ever. This was 2001. Not only was I an rabid PC gamer, but I'd also played amazing, groundbreaking shooters like Deus Ex, System Shock 1 and 2, and a crap load of other deep games. I was admittedly curious about Halo. Everyone seemed to like it so much. One day I got to play it.

My friend Greg had an Xbox. He had Halo. I will say this for Halo it's co-op is pretty fun. But everything else I saw...not so good. My biggest problem is with the level design. Some parts are really pretty good, with huge battles in open large environments with multiple AI entities fighting each other. Pretty much everything else is either completely empty or utterly derivative. Huge open spaces with absolutely nothing happening, you've just got to run across it and let me say that Master Chief isn't winning any sprinting challenges any time soon. The derivative stuff? Empty rooms and hallways that don't change for an entire level. Literally. It's possible to leave one room for another only to think that you had been turned around somehow because this new, untouched room doesn't look any different from the old one. It's worse level design than F.E.A.R.

The gunplay is boring, the enemies are annoying, the graphics crappy.

So I shun it. I shun the sequel which gets similar critical praise. The funny thing is that I own both of those games now. Greg gave them to me a while ago. I've tried to play them, honestly I have, but I just can't get past those huge problems I've just outlined.

Now Halo 3 is upon us. I'm not buying it, because Half Life 2 Episode 2 is coming out in October. That and the Neverwinter Nights 2 expansion pack. But I can't help but feel like I'm missing something. I've heard the Halo story line is actually pretty decent and I've recently come to the realization that I place story above all else in games. For the most part. I did like Duke Nukem 3d for god's sake.

So...

I think I'm going to force myself to play those games. Even if I hate every moment of it I'm going to finish the damn thing just so I can say that I have. Maybe I've got Bungie and their baby all wrong, who knows. It's just time to bite the bullet.

HEROSCAPE

2007-09-11T13:48:00.000-07:00

Let's start it like this. Board games fucking rock.

I've been jaded without knowing it towards the board games for a while now. After a while, everything starts feeling pretty similar what with the moving pieces around a board, dice rolls, landing on stuff, and well...you know the drill. That's not to say that it's a bad formula, but it just starts to feel pretty soulless after a while.

Anyway, I have some friends who are into gaming in pretty much every form, though video games take a back seat to them. This is interesting since I'm into gaming in pretty much every form, with video games taking the front seat, jamming down the gas pedal and rocketing me up into the atmosphere, only to slam on the brakes, projecting me through the windshield.
(Andrew and Amber, you complete me.)

So, they have quite an extensive collection of board games which they have been kind enough to share with my wife and me. On Sunday, we got to experience the awesome that is Heroscape. Basically the way it works is you pick some army units, all of which have differing stats like attack power, move speed and defensive skill. They also have unique abilities, like the ability to parachute onto the board late in the game, put up a smoke screen so they cannot be attacked, and grenade chucking. Brilliant. And did I mention that the units are well crafted plastic figures with a pretty incredible amount of detail and character?

You then take these units and place them on a board which you create. The landscape consists of hexagonal spaces which you can snap together, stack on top of each other or connect with bridges. If you have some creativity, or are good at building houses in The Sims, you'll be able to have a different game experience every time. Game types consist of Deathmatch, Team Deathmatch, Capture the Flag, and King of the Hill. Yes these are terms from multiplayer video games, but it's eerie how well they fit here.

This all combines to create a fantastic gaming experience, the likes of which I have not had in years. Shockingly, the game is published by Milton Bradley which is a mainstream publishing house, responsible for games like Life, Battleship and Hungry Hungry Hippos. In all fairness, maybe I shouldn't be too hard on good ol' Milton. If Wikipedia is to be believed, these guys are responsible for some pretty unique games. It's just been so long since I've played one of those unique games.

Buy it.

I've got more board games that I need to talk about as well, but not right now. I'm done here.

Listen up Agent!

2007-09-08T11:12:00.000-07:00

Everyone's talking about Bioshock. They should be. Everyone but me that is. I'm making a conscious effort to avoid talking about it too much here just yet. I'm not sure there's any good reason for that, considering it's one of the best games I've played in years, but whatever.

What I'd like to talk about instead is a 7 month old game going by the name of Crackdown. Why? Because I'm still playing it. Frequently. This obviously speaks volumes about the quality of the game. I own better games than Crackdown. I've played other games more than Crackdown. I've beaten Half Life 2 at least 10 times, but this is different.

The funny thing about Crackdown, is that the game doesn't really present you with that much stuff to do. There is hardly any narrative to speak of, and what is there is just present as a canvas so the designers could paint a picture on something. The weird thing is that the game is as good as creative as you are. That was a weird sentence (I'm not even sure it qualifies for that word) but you get what I mean.

Crackdown gives you superhero like abilities, a bevy of large weapons, and then sets you loose. Want to gather 10 cars, pile them all on top of each other, then toss a grenade just to see how big the explosion would be? Do it. Maybe you should litter the pile with dead bodies, just to see how high you can get one to fly. Try to climb the largest tower in the city with the car that sticks to walls. Or just do what I do. Run around and cause as much mayhem as you possibly can. This, above all else, is where the experience shines.

The mayhem is just so satisfying. Explosions look great, sound great, feel great. It's fun to toss tow trucks, and semis at criminals, or to jump off a tall building to see if you can land on someones head.

I realize that it's strange that I'm essentially dedicating my first blog post to a fairly old new-gen game, and one that didn't make that much of a splash with the gaming community. Yes, it sold well. Quite well actually, but it didn't really add anything too groundbreaking to the burgeoning world of sandbox gaming. I think what surprises me most about the experience is that the games I most respect are the games that have a good story and tell them in mature ways. The Half Life's, the Deus Ex's, the System Shock's the Bioshock's The Neverwinter Nights'. These are the high art examples from the gaming world. Crackdown is a form of art, just not one that pushes the art world forward. But despite that, wow.

2007-09-04T14:05:00.000-07:00

Every story has it's beginning, and if I wrote them all like that, I'd never get anywhere.

I'm hoping for this blog to be a sort of catch all for my reactions to all things entertainment. I've always found the world of consumption (not the disease) and distraction a fascinating one, bordering on love-hate at times. My head is full of thoughts and feelings on entertainment, and I'm going to try to focus some of those thoughts down into thought out articles, paragraphs, sentences or whatever.